Yesterday I did one of the most abhorrent acts in my life. A human being will regret the existence of its own race after witnessing what I have done. It can put any rational human being to shame. I was vituperative. I abused my enemy with a lot of invectives and expletives. My language was opprobrious and derogatory. To top it all, it deranged my ego, ruffled me from inside and there was a soul annihilating chaos inside me which manifested in using my brawn and muscle power to conflict injury on my enemy. I was unduly persistent in causing harm to him. I also made racial slurs. I was barbaric, violent, boorish. I behaved like a complete lowbrow. In the end I was mercilessly beaten up with canes by his friends. In short. I behaved like a complete jerk. I behaved like a hooligan, a ruffian, a hoodlum. Like I was part of a gang. I conducted as if I was a part of a mob causing riotous and atrocious activities, creating disruption in the society. In short, I am feeling ashamed of what I did. But one thing is an irrevocable habit of mine that is to reflect upon an event or an incident to investigate what caused it, what fallacies of human nature and the ubiquitous ignorance is still prevalent in me. Also what the not so conspicuous positives I derived from it. I felt I behave like this because I felt completely unjust the way he was behaving with the coffee man. He was belittling , demeaning and humiliating him. I was not able to be a mere witness to the events particularly to the injustice meted out at that poor, hapless coffee man. It provoked me to confront him, to intimidate him. But one thing I experienced I was in state of "No Thought". My mind was not speculating the harm that would be caused to me for standing up for the coffee man who would be anyways oblivious to whatever I do for him. My mind was completely empty. I was not able to resist the temptation of antipathy to whatever was happening in front of my eyes. I provoked him by looking at him with angry, furious eyes. At that time I realised, love and concern for my own species is my very nature, I cannot doused the fire of love with reason or rationalism of the intellect. I have always felt incorrigibly guilty whenever I had become angry on someone or whenever I ogled some girl with lascivious eyes. I experienced sorrow and guilt because I was acting against my very nature which is incorrigible, impenetrable.
I wanted to brag about my power through the physical implementation as it really deranged my ego. I forgot that real power is when you empower people without either coercing or insinuating artfully in their minds your opinions, beliefs or prejudices. You are actually powerful when your power is equitably distributed. Muscular power is a physiological constituent that is short-lived. Power is something that exists perenially even after you die as your ideas, ideals, beliefs, your little anecdotes and your very life motivates, instigates people to achieve higher maybe even abstract things in life. A person who is powerful is one who doesn't feel the need to display his power as he doesn't require any external circumstances to conspicuously showcase his power, even if he may given the opportunity he will empower others instead of placing his power on a pedestal for others to see as such power is very transitory in nature.
He may not even feel the need to have power as he would be in touch with the perennial, metaphysical power that will never diminish. A power that is ubiquitous within him, that had the potential to change peoples lives, that has the potential to make miracles a daily occurence. It requires a man to be animalistic impulsive to be violent, it requires a man to be powerful to fight against injustice but be invincibly non-violent. Violence doesn't even provide you victory but its self-defeating, it disturbs the equilibrium of your mind. It lays the incipient seeds of anger, lust, greed, etc whose tall trees restricts the sunshine of knowledge to your very soul as negativity always wants a hook to grow on.
My intentions were benevolent, but my mode of operation was not only unconvincing but diabolical.
I was not prudent and smart but I acted dumb. I should have first spoken to him softly because we all are victims of ignorance. Then if it didn't work, I should have called the police. But that happens if I am not impulsive and I am able to channelise my anger in the right way. That will happen through lots of running, gymnasium and meditation. That will alleviate my impulsive imprudent anger. I always feel disillusioned, discouraged that I will never become that perfected soul that I only have an obscure idea about. But everything happens for a reason. This gave me a lot of insight in human nature. I will turn this event into a lesson. As soon as I get well, I will start running and I will hit the gym with vigour and enthusiasm. My vengeance against the act that compelled me to perform such a fiendish act would be against the anger not against the victim of my anger. I would have to hit the gym, start running and meditate. Yes I want to just lie on the water and be carried away to my destination but that will happen only after embarrassingly flapping my arms helplessly for a distance to save myself from the apparent inevitable drowning.
So yes I have lost today one battle where I would have given impetus to the matured being lying dormant within me.
Even after writing all this, there is an underlying, concealed doubt that what if everything is entirely wrong and that is what requires immutable power to do what you believe its right yet having the awareness and open-mindedness that you may be wrong. This way you go beyond right and wrong and you start listening to the obscure, quaint language of your heart.
The need to be right is the sign of a vulgar mind - Albert Camus.
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